March 12th, 2012 by The Broke-Ass Bride
When Tom offered to write a post for the site, I couldn?t turn him down. His son Brock, one of my most cherished friends, is also one of the most incredibly smart and talented writers I?ve ever known? and as I?ve gotten to know his family, its become clear to me that much of his talent with words was inherited from his father (who I?m also lucky to count as a friend).? Tom and his wife, Marlis, will be celebrating their 38th anniversary this year ? and I?m honored to share with you some of his thoughts and reflections on partnership and marriage, as someone whose relationship has survived and thrived across so many years. Plus, their wedding photos are too charming and gorgeous not to include! So without further ado: Take it away, Tom!
-Dana
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Tom & Marlis
I proposed to my wife in college, while we were attending the University of Kansas, in 1973. We hadn?t known each other very long, and I had actually been set up with her by my Mom, on a blind date (if you can imagine?how truly pathetic is that?). But it only took a few months of being together with Marlis, and I just knew?she was ?The One?. We were at a theater?watching ?Romeo and Juliet? and love was in the air. Life, as it appeared on screen, represented either poison or exile together, forever, so I chose the latter. You can be quite a rebel when you?re 19.
I?m not sure how you really know he or she?s the one? but you get that amazing feeling inside when you?re fully invested? when you?re at a place where you are willing to commit to something more than just hanging out ?. something more than just being together every once in a while.
As a college student, I was certainly a broke-ass husband-to-be. I think the first wedding ring I bought my wife set me back about $234, and featured what may have been the smallest chip of a diamond ever placed in a lame wedding setting. The setting seemed to have a background made of some kind of foil material, that structurally tried to make the diamond chip twinkle a little more? but as I look back, I?m kind of embarrassed about it. (About ten years into our marriage, we went golfing and the ring magically disappeared, probably thrown into a lake somewhere, so I had to step it up a little on the replacement).
We had a modest wedding with friends and family?honestly, it was a very nice day for everyone and a lot of fun. Here?s the thing?and this is a truth? your success in marriage will not be based upon the amount of money you spend planning, preparing, and executing a wedding (maybe not the best of terms). A wedding, however, is not a competition. And that?s why I appreciate what Dana does here with this site?giving you great ideas on how to have an amazing day, with the people you care about and with loved ones, without placing you or your family in a financial bind for years to come in the process. That?s not fair to anyone, and it?s pretty danged dumb. Simple and succinct can be bold and beautiful.
I know how important a wedding is to you ladies?it really is your special day, and guys are willing to go through it, but frankly, most guys I know don?t have the same fairy tale expectations about the gathering. All the preparation and hard work you and your families do up until the wedding is amazing, and incredible, and wonderful?and we appreciate it, but it is what it is for us. It?s a guy thing?we?ll show up, now where?s the cake?
My advice is have fun?be creative, be smart on spending money, be in the moment and enjoy the ride, and then commit to the one you love for the rest of your life. Pretty easy, eh?
Marlis and I are just about to our 38th wedding anniversary. Incredibly, we were at a dinner the other evening, with a group of mostly married couples, and there were numerous folks in attendance who have been married 45, 55, even 65 years. That?s commitment, baby. (We all gummed our soft foods together! Ha!)
So how did their marriages endure when so many others don?t? I have nine ideas and tips to consider for engaging in, and maintaining, a successful marriage. I share them with you, today, with the hope that you might find something of value here:
?1. Marry your best friend.
Marriage is a long-term deal. It certainly helps to know that you have someone beside you whom you can trust. You wouldn?t lie to or cheat on your best friend, so if your best friend is also your spouse-to-be, you?re off to a great start in your marriage. It?s ok to have other best friends, obviously, but if your spouse to be isn?t a great friend, too, you?ll lead a less interesting existence, and have a less fulfilling life together.
?2. Evaluate your compatibility factor.
Do you and your partner value the same things? If I?m busy with a project and I get home after my wife does, she?ll be watching and supporting the Kansas City Chiefs already, if they are on the tube. If she were home cheering the Raiders on, we might have issues. Seriously, some folks are just meant to be with each other, and some aren?t. If you like knitting, and your spouse likes to go on safaris, someone is going to feel left out. I wanted to play in a rock band in my spare time, so I made Marlis our keyboard player, and we experienced the fun of doing that? with black hats and sunglasses on together?for 32 years. Compatibility isn?t just about what you attempt to do, but it also carries over to the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of life, as well.
?3. Financial matters matter.
As a banker, I can?t tell you how many times I?ve seen financial matters break up a marriage. When things go wrong financially, and you begin to get calls at your home day and night from angry creditors demanding payments?after a while, you?ll want out. I have so many stories on this one, but trust me?if you don?t have the financial ability to sustain a reasonable lifestyle together, you already have two strikes against you. It?s serious stuff, and someone in your household has to be responsible to ensure that bills are paid on time and as agreed. A friend of mine is on her fourth husband?the last guy was very responsible with money, and she likes to spend more than what she has, all the time. I?m guessing all the previous husbands got fed up with her ways. Learn the value of budgets, saving, investing wisely, and understanding that you?ll be merging financials. Last tidbit? if your fianc? has a 385 credit score, and you have good credit, his credit history will pull you down once you are married, like an anchor, and you won?t qualify for a loan, a credit card, or anything? jointly.
?4. Seriously, do not nag?or your marriage will go up in flames.
The Wall Street Journal recently had an article that documented the number 1 reason for divorce in America. Know what it is? Nagging. Wow. Think about it for a minute?if you go to work at a job and your boss tells you how much you suck at what you do every day, is that a pleasant experience? Obviously not. And your response will probably be able to take it for a while, until you?re really fed up, and eventually leave? just like you?d do in a marriage relationship founded upon the same set of daily variables. Don?t nag.
?5. Relationships require a regular investment.
How do people stay married for a long time? The truth is? they actually work at it. It starts with that amazing little puppy love stage, and matures?but it evolves into a love based upon respect, and trust, and experiencing life together. The requirements are the same as when you started?you tell your spouse you love them each day, you provide comfort and support, you go to spend time with your in-laws and pretend to like it (as best you can), you know?everything adds up. In poker, they call it all-in when you push all of your chips to the middle of the table on a bet. If you?re not all-in in? supporting and growing an ongoing healthy relationship with your spouse, you?ll soon find yourself all-out-of-luck.
?6. Never enter into a bond where physical abuse or chemical dependencies exist.
In The Road Less Traveled by the late M. Scott Peck, he penned an entire chapter on Love. As a psychologist, he describes that there so many definitions of love, and generally the term ?love? is shaped by our personal life experiences. Psychologists tell us that there are women who believe that when a guy beats them, they think it?s a demonstration of how much the guy loves them. Nothing could be further from the truth. This guy has internal issues and is not a partner you should have anything to do with. Physical or mental abuse is a deal killer?a no go. I know other folks who have married someone to save them from chemical dependencies. It?s righteous and noble, but spouses of those who are chemically dependent are eight times more likely to become chemically dependent themselves. (If you?ve never read The Road Less Traveled it is one of the all time great books on life, and love, and relationships.)
7. Recognize that there will be pressures, and changes?things don?t stay the same.
Happiness is relative. When my wife and I first met, I had hair to my shoulders, and now I have little hair at all. When we first met, I was a different person than I am now, in so many ways. Life is a rollercoaster?and the thrills and spills are often very challenging. I love the quote from the grandma in ?Parenthood? who admonished her son with a story about life. She said, ?When I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn?t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it. It made my tummy tickle.? Life is scary sometimes, and there will be highs and lows, happy times and sad times?but it?s nice to have a terrific person to share it with. Things change, but relationships adapt, and move ahead.
8. Recognize the necessity of forgiveness and apologies.?
Everybody screws up. I?ve made so many mistakes, it?s hard to imagine that I?ve been married this long. I?ve disrespected myself, my wife, my family, and my kids at times, and I?m not proud of it. Conversely, I?ve had to say I?m sorry, during times when I probably didn?t need to apologize . . . for the sake of my relationship, and to diffuse the bomb. I?ve asked for forgiveness from my wife, my kids and my God, in the past?and I have been forgiven. Forgiveness means ?I understand that you know that you messed up, I know you?re only human, and I?m not going to bring it up again.? Forgiveness means that the slate has been wiped clean, and we?re good to move on. Forgiveness is a vehicle that allows us to walk away from our transgressions of the past, and into a new, brighter day, with a new start? together.
May 25th, 1974
9. Honor the relationship, with love, based upon a strong spiritual connection.
I may have just entered the halls of not being politically correct, but I think you will find that most long term marriages have spiritual faith as a centering foundation of the relationship. The issue, of course, is that we are all placed upon this earth for a reason. In my opinion, God placed us here to be of service to others, and in everything we do, we should honor, love, and praise God. To be in a relationship where my spouse believed that space ships will someday appear to save us from ourselves, would not be of interest to me, and I would not choose to be married to that person. Call me old-fashioned, but it comes down to core beliefs and values?and these are things that can?t be separated from your soul. If the two of you are space ship believers, then maybe things will work out well when they arrive, and good luck to you. I?m not trying to judge.
At the end of the day, I can sum all this up in one simple statement?if by your union, your new relationship is greater than the sum of its parts, you?ve got an awesome chance to experience a long and happy marriage. My wife challenges me to be better, and I respect her for that. She is intelligent, and weighs in with meaningful conversation and ideas. She is beautiful and she cares for me, and about me. We share all of the emotional aspects of our life together. She completes me. She is my soul mate, my life partner, and every day?I try to do my best to honor her, encourage her, and uplift her?and to help her in any way I can.
When we said our vows, we agreed to stay together ?through prosperity and in adversity??through good times and bad. We meant it. It wasn?t just a series of words, but a pledge to love, honor, and obey the bond. I hope that you have success, and much happiness, in your life ahead? and experience as much love and joy in your life as this once broke-ass husband has.
Blessings!
Tom Wilbur
Tom Wilbur is President/CEO of BANK VI in Salina, Kansas, and is the author of numerous works on life, finances, and relationships?which have been published in newspapers, magazines and blogs nationally. He is a graduate of the University of Kansas, and has two grown children, Brock Wilbur and Brooke Vinson, both of whom he loves very much. Tom can be reached by e-mail at rockchalktw@hotmail.com
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